A RACE BEFORE THE PARISH

A LATE NIGHT 

 A RACE BEFORE THE PARISH

They say when you are on the verge of death, your life will flash before your eyes. Moments of cherished memories, smiles of your beloved ones… you know … those times when you felt like you were grateful to be alive.

Maybe that's the way of the mind comforting the soul as it passes to the afterlife. As if it's saying that the life spent on earth was not a waste. That it was worth every minute and second … just to ease the pain and the fear of the unknown that is about to unfold.

Mine was different though… 

Why? 

Because it was filled with regret.

The memories I recall still have to reach their ending… Every single one of them seems unfinished, stuck in between, and some left untouched. The smiles I see on my loved ones' faces shattered my heart and broke me into million pieces, leaving me on my knees and tears pouring from my wandering eyes.

“This can't be the end of me…” I trembled those words to myself. “even if it's for the last time, I … I have to go .. I have to ... see HIM.” 

I need to get an answer to this burning question if my soul is going to rest in peace… I have to know why. 

But I know it is not that simple… 

I couldn’t dare ask you this, can I? 

They said that you are kind to everyone. Gentle with your words and crafty with your hands. They said you always keep your promise, and you always help out the ones who seem to be in need. They always say nice things about you. As if they know you and me like you know you and me. 

I know they don’t know that you sometimes stay quiet, not a word from your lips, and…and as if you are distant from me…you’re silent. Sometimes it's as if you don't exist… as if all those times we spent together were just my illusions. As if I was telling lies to myself as I indulge in getting lost in the abyss of my fantasies…

No! No, but you were there… you ARE here! … you never left me… I know that you know every breath that I take and every blink of my eyes even when they are wandering away from you, haa!!

But you are QUIET! So quiet at times the silence becomes unbearable … deafening!

But I still need to know... I need to see you one last time and pour out my heart as I stare into your eyes...

And so I was running, not as if but because my life actually depends on it. Sweat, tears, and I was completely drenched by the rain… a complete clutter among the seemingly quite narrow street. 

My legs took on the task of taking me to where my heart and mind are very well. But the thought of my life ending in vain is still creeping from behind, chasing… closing the distance between death and me.

I wiped my eyes, trying to muster up the courage I lost long ago. I wanted to be brave… strong.  But I must have wrongly anticipated the strength left in me. I tried to steady my stride, after only a few more steps, my legs gave way, and I found myself shattered against the floor. I barely was able to taste my meal these past couple of days… No wonder my knees shook and gave out twice and again before I was back on the run again.

To be continued ...